


Being yourself can be hard

by SlytherinLady



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 18:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3946972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinLady/pseuds/SlytherinLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jounouchi falls on the realization that he is gay... and struggles with it.<br/>Luckily, Yami is there to help.</p><p> </p><p>This is the most personal fic I've ever written- Jounouchi's thoughts and struggle are essentially <i> my </i>  thoughts and struggle, from back when I had to deal with the exact same problem. </p><p>A huge thanks to my personal "Yamis" that helped me realise being yourself truly rocks!</p><p> </p><p>So, to all those out there who feel the same way... you're not alone... and for God's sake, snap out of it...! You are awesome! So smile and be yourself.</p><p>You might notice some mild Puppyshipping hints. What can I say, I love those two together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being yourself can be hard

His cellphone rang again. He took it out of his pocket. "Anzu". He put it back, climbed on a wooden bench and coughed some smoke out. He ignored the weird taste in his mouth as he brought the cigarette back on his lips.

He stared at the moon with tearful eyes. When he was a little boy, he used to say when he would grow up, he would come to this very park and look at the full moon with his girlfriend, just like in those stupid romantic movies his mother used to watch.

Then, his parents got a divorce, so he never got the chance to see those movies again.  
And as far as the girlfriend was concerned... that would be great. IF he liked girls.

"Wait...! Are you sure we're-"

The voice came from somewhere on his right. He turned to see two boys, around his age, a redhead and a brunette... making out, holding each other tightly. 

Jounouchi turned his face away. If he kept staring at them, he would start imagining himself in their shoes...  
He closed his eyes, tightening his fists. 

 

"We should have checked..."

He turned to see the frightened redhead staring at him. His boyfriend sighed. "Just ignore him... And if he's bothered, he can go away... We're not doing anything wrong!"

"Let's just go somewhere else, okay?" he said, worried blue eyes still on Jounouchi.

"I'm not going anywhere just because there's a random boy sitting next to us..." the brunette said abruptly. He leaned closer to his boyfriend. "Although I'm convinced I've seen him somewhere..."

The redhead tilted his head and then widened his eyes. "He's a duelist... I just don't remember his name right now... Look, can we just go?"

Jounouchi lowered his head, blowing some smoke out. "Katsuya."

"What?" the brunette said, looking at Jounouchi.  
"Name's Jounouchi Katsuya... And you're not bothering me." he said quietly.

The maroon-haired teenager opened his mouth, planning to say something, but the other boy jumped up and got him by the hand. "There are more people coming this way... Let's just go!" he said urgently and dragged him along.

Jounouchi looked up. To his surprise and annoyance, an angry Honda was approaching, followed by a concerned Anzu and an irritated Yami.

"What did I tell you?! There he is!" Honda said.  
"Hey..." Jounouchi said quietly, preparing himself for everything that was about to follow.

"Why aren't you answering my calls?" Anzu said, wide blye eyes giving him a worried look.

The teenager shrugged. "I forgot my cellphone back home."

"It's not just today, Jou." Honda said, folding his arms on his chest.

"What do you mean?" the blonde asked, putting his arm behind his back. Damn it... he didn't want Yami finding out he was smoking.

"You never answer our calls and when you do, you talk in a very abrupt way..." Anzu said quietly, lowering her head.

"Do you even remember when was the last time you hung out with us?!" Honda said loudly.  
Jounouchi rolled his eyes. "It was a week ago! Besides, we see each other in school every day..." he said.

"Even then... You are distant!" Anzu said, hugging herself.

"What's your deal?! If you have a problem with us, just tell us..." Honda said.  
Why did he come here? Everyone knew when he wasn't feeling well he came to this park. They knew exactly where to look if they needed to find him.  
He sighed. "I'm just feeling a bit off lately, I needed some time alone."

"What's wrong? You can tell us!" Anzu said, stepping forward, taking his hand in hers. 

That was when she noticed the arm he had behind his back and gave him a questioning look. 

Perfect.

He brought the cigarette on his lips and blew the smoke away from his friends. When he looked at them, Anzu's eyes were comically widened- the dramatic chipmunk had nothing on her.

Honda seemed confused... Yami... Yami seemed disappointed. 

Just perfect.

"When did YOU start smoking?!" she said loudly.  
The young blonde pushed his friend away slightly, threw the cigarette on the ground, jumped off the bench and stepped on it.

"A few days ago..." he said quietly and got back on his bench.

"Jou! No way! This thing will ruin your health, I won't allow-"

Her phrase was interrupted by flaming angry brown eyes.  
"You won't ALLOW, Anzu? You won't ALLOW?!" Jounouchi said, in a deadly quiet tone, that made him sound awfully like Seto Kaiba... 

Yami sighed and hid his face in his palm. Here we go.

Sad azure eyes were fixed on the ground. "I meant to say-" 

"You're not my mother, Anzu. I have one. She doesn't give a fuck about me." he said bitterly.

The girl looked hurt. "I am your friend, Jounouchi... If your friends are not concerned about you... who will be?!"

He wanted to light another cigarette, but he couldn't do that in front of Yami; who, by the way, had been surprisingly quiet all this time.

"Thanks for your concern, Anzu. Now, leave me alone." Jounouchi said abruptly.

"Jou, if you don't talk to your friends-"

"Anzu. Enough. We are friends, we've been through everything together, I love you all, I'm blessed to have you by my side... But just for once... I want to be alone!"

She lowered her head, hiding the tears in her eyes. Honda put his arm around her. "What the hell, Jou?!"

"Do I need to repeat everything for you?" Jounouchi said offensively.  
Honda grabbed him by the collar. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he said loudly.

"For once, I just want to be left alone!" Jounouchi said and pushed him off.  
Honda jumped forward, ready to punch him. That was Yami's cue. The small duelist ran in front of Jounouchi, shielding him from Honda. 

"That's enough." he said. "Honda, we need to respect that he needs to be alone... He will come to us when he feels better."

He looked at Jounouchi over his shoulder. "Jou... I know you're not doing it on purpose... but your words are harsh." he pointed with his head at Anzu's direction. Honda had taken the weeping girl in his arms again.

"I didn't mean to make her cry..." Jounouchi said, rubbing his nape, lowering his eyes.

"I know... Now, he wants to be left alone, we will respect that!" Yami said. He got closer to Honda and Anzu and stroked her arm softly.

"I'll just take her home..." Honda growled.

"But...but Jou..." she said in between her sobs.

"Not now..." Honda said. He whispered something in Yami's ear, wrapped his arm around Anzu's waist and walked away. Yami stayed behind, staring at their backs. "Stay and talk to him... he might listen to you..."

Oh, Honda. He didn't expect you to tell him that. He was planning to do it by himself.  
Yami sighed and climbed on the bench, next to Jounouchi. The blonde was playing with his lighter.

"I didn't want to make her cry..." he said quietly.

"I know..." Yami said softly.

"Where is Yugi, anyway...?" he said, looking at Yami.

"Home. He has an essay with Otogi... It's due tomorrow, so they had to finish it."  
Jounouchi nodded. He hugged his knees and put his chin on his arms.

"I didn't say anything wrong! She just burst into tears for no good reason... It's not my fault she's overly sensitive!" he said loudly.  
Yami nodded. He wasn't going to answer. He would just... wait it out.

"I am not trying to stay away from you... or tear our friendship apart or whatever Anzu thinks... I... I know I'm cold, it's just that... I need time! I am going through a really weird time in my life right now and I need to think a lot... and I... " he turned to look at Yami. "You are waiting for me to stop ranting so you can speak, aren't you?"

The small duelist smiled. "Pretty much!"

Jounouchi sighed. "Okay. Your turn."

He really doubted Yami understood... how could he?

Yami stared at the ground for some time. "You are going through a hard time... and you need to be alone to think. What exactly?" he said calmly, purple sharp eyes examining Jounouchi's face.

His friend looked at him. Yami... he wouldn't criticise him, right? He would accept him... Wouldn't he?

But then again... how did he expect his best friend to accept him when he felt like he hated himself at the time...?

He stared at his shoes and swallowed hard. "Have you... ever felt like... you don't recognise yourself? There was this... secret you kept from everyone, even yourself.... 

Especially yourself! But there comes the time when you need to realise it and face it... and then you just lose it. You don't know who you are anymore." he hid his eyes behind his fringe. "The signs were always there, but you were comfortably delusional... You gave the most painless explanation you could come up with and then..."

"Jou..." the small male interrupted his best friend. "Does this have to do with your sexuality?"

 

Jounouchi stared at his best friend, eyes widened, mouth hanging open. How did he... Was it that obvious he was.. What the...

"How did you... Is it that obvious that I am... What the..." he repeated his thoughts out loud.  
Kaiba's face appeared in his mind, smirking. "Eloquent as always..." he was saying ironically.

Oh, shut up Kaiba.

Maybe he should stop talking to imaginary Kaibas in his head. It was disconcerting.

Yami sighed. "First of all... calm down!" he said, smiling. Jounouchi lowered his head, planning to hide his eyes behind his fringe. His friend lifted his chin up and stared straight in his eyes. "Jou... Listen to me... and then you can go back to brooding if you want it so much..."

The blonde nodded and gave him a half-smile.

Please don't reject me, please don't reject me, please don't reject me...

"Secondly... just so you will relax... I like men as well."

Jounouchi widened his eyes in surprise and excitement. "You...You?!"

"Yes Jou... me... Why is it such a surprise?" he said, smiling.

"I... Wow! I... I don't know. I just thought... Wait, does Anzu know? I think she kinda fancies you..."

Yami exhaled sharply. "I should tell her some time, shouldn't I?"

"Probably!" Jounouchi smiled.

"Look, we will get back to me being gay and Anzu liking me later, okay? We are talking about you now..." he said, sharp eyes examining the slightly more relaxed face.

"I knew you were gay... and in denial about it, ever since I met you. You don't scream "gay", Jounouchi... but apparently, I have a good... how do you call it?" he said, giving his friend a puzzled look. "That thing, where you can sense when someone is gay..."

"...Gaydar?" Jounouchi asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That! I have that! Damnit!"

Jounouchi laughed.

"Perfect. I have a good gaydar... The question is... Apparently, you are struggling with your sexuality. I can't say I didn't expect it, but why?"

His smile faded. Once again, he lowered his head, blonde forelocks covering his eyes. He tossed his lighter from one hand to the other. "I don't know..." he muttered. "I... I guess I didn't expect it...? I mean... the signs were always there. The only girl I was ever attracted to was Mai... and even that was, well... platonic!"

"I am surprised you even know the word..." Yami said, widening his eyes.

"Shut up!" Jounouchi said, punching his friend playfully on the shoulder. "Anyway... as I was saying..." he said, giving a supposed angry look at the smiling duelist, "Platonic. Boys I was attracted to, though...? Many... Especially..." he stopped talking and cleared his throat. His cheeks were red.

"...Yes?" Yami said, raising an eyebrow.

Oh, he knew what was coming. He knew exactly what name he was about to hear.

"Never mind. Forget it." Jounouchi said abruptly, shaking his head.  
...Denial is a long road and Jounouchi is just starting the trip. Yami smiled. He wasn't going to force his friend to say it, but he had a feeling a pair of blue eyes visited  
Jounouchi's dreams more often that he would like to admit...

"I'm confused!" the young blonde said loudly. "What is my problem...? I don't know...! Maybe it's because I imagined myself to be different when I would reach seventeen... Maybe it's the way my father always talked about gay people... Maybe I..."

Why couldn't he FOR ONCE hold back these fucking tears...?!

Yami dragged Jounouchi in his arms. "It's crazy, you know... I look back, at my life up until a few months ago... I see myself... and I feel like it's not me! There is someone else there, staring in my life as if it is a movie." He pulled back softly and Yami released him. Their eyes met. "I... I was never completely myself, you know... Sometimes, I..." 

He couldn't speak. He needed a few minutes. He hid his face in his palm. Yami put his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"...Sometimes, I wasn't myself. I was... trying to be someone else. Maybe that's why I felt like my father was telling the truth, every time he yelled that I was useless... Worthless..."

"Jou..." Yami wanted to speak. Jounouchi raised his hand, interrupting him. "Please, let me finish. If I don't speak now, I feel like I am going to burst."

"I was always myself... when I was dueling. I just got up there and it just didn't matter anymore! I was fighting for myself, for you... for the excitement dueling always gives me.  
I was always myself for you, too... for Yugi... But for the rest...? I don't think I was... Pretending to be someone I wasn't just... came easier. I mean..." he smiled bitterly. "Can you imagine their reaction if they knew..? Honda, Anzu... Otogi... Ryou, maybe... And don't even get me started on Kaiba..." 

Suddenly, he looked frightened. "Shizuka... What if my own sister rejects me...? Or Yugi... Yugi is my brother, too... Yami..." the last word came out as a whisper, but it sounded more like a cry for help.

Stupid tears...

Yami was silent, waiting for the boy to let everything out.

"I swear, I am still the same person, it's just..."

"You are true to yourself."

He raised his head and looked at the smaller male.

"You are true to yourself... Jounouchi, nobody will reject you. Shizuka, Honda, Anzu... Yugi... Honestly? We have been through everything together. None of these people, including myself, want to imagine their lives without you. And you think we will reject you because you like men? Jounouchi honestly... I don't know if I should laugh or be offended...! Otogi...? He will probably smile and say he knew it... and Ryou... well now, there's someone who I didn't really need my gaydar to tell me he is gay. He is gay and proud of it... As should be everyone... and you, as well!" Yami said softly.

Jounouchi stared at him for some time. "There is nothing wrong with being gay, Jounouchi.  
But there is everything wrong with hurting yourself this way. Smile and be proud of who you are... you are a wonderful person and I forbid you to treat yourself that way."

Jounouchi smiled widely. "Do you really mean it...?"

"Of course I do. I am a Pharaoh. I do whatever the fuck I like, I forbid whatever the fuck I don't like!"

Jounouchi laughed loudly and hugged his friend tightly.

"Moron..." Yami said quietly. "We love you, no matter what. Get that in your thick skull."

They stayed silent for some time. When Jounouchi let go of his small friend, he was smiling. "Will you help me tell the others...?"

"I will be right by your side..." he said, smiling.

Jounouchi complied happily, with a look of gratitude on his face. He knew his struggle wasn't over yet... but now he knew it was going to be okay. He took a deep breath; his courage to face the world was slowly but steadily returning.

Besides, he was finally true to himself... and he had Yami... somehow, even if he hadn't come out to anyone else yet... he knew he would have all the people that loved him right behind him.

Yami looked away for a few seconds. He raised an eyebrow and stared at Jounouchi's right hand. The boy looked at his hand... he was still holding the lighter. He smiled, took the cigarette pack out of his pocket, pushed the lighter in and gave it to Yami.

"You can like as many guys as you want... but I don't like you ruining your health...!" Yami said and chucked the pack in a bin right behind him. He stood up and offered Jounouchi his hand. The blonde took it and stood up, holding Yami's hand in a strong, empowering handshake.

 

"Want to stay at our place tonight?" Yami said, as they were leaving the park behind.

"Will you feed me...?" Jounouchi asked happily.

Yami laughed. "Sure. Let's go and tell Yugi your little secret."

"...We also need to discuss about you telling Anzu she's not your type. Her being a girl and everything..." Jounouchi said, smiling.

"...That too..."


End file.
